Being a Stay at Home Mom Just Wasn't Enough (and why I felt like the worst person ever)

"Oh you're a stay at home mom...you're so lucky."

"You get to stay at home with your little girl? That is so wonderful. What a blessing. They grow up so fast."

"You will really look back and cherish these years with them. It is so nice you don't have to go back to work."

"Well, Sara, you don't have to work so.... (insert request here)"

"You know, I work, so I don't have time for that like you do."

I heard comments like this all the time. They ranged from the regarding stay at home mommyhood as the mecca to which all women aspire to reach and those that have or make the circumstances for that to happen are the blessed. The fortunate. The envied. What so many others are working to have.

And the later I heard mostly from my family. Like I hadn't worked (for many years multiple jobs including going to school while working full time hours) since I was 13 and allowed to babysit as much and as often as I could. I was the hour snatcher when I worked retail in my premanager days. If someone was giving up a shift I would take it. I needed to pay my bills, my rent...buy groceries (and beer!) If overtime was approved my managers knew they could count on me to get in as soon as I could and stay as long as they needed. No questions asked. If you're paying me, I'll do it. Stock, sales, inventory. No problem. Handled.

And here I was, at home with this amazing little person and it just wasn't enough. I was bored. I was lonely. I was tired. And I felt like I spent my days catering to things that just needed me constantly (dogs included) and cleaning up poop (dogs included again.) And then she grew into this cool little toddler who had a killer personality, loved to laugh and was wild and crazy. She ran me to exhaustion and made me laugh and smile. But something was still missing. I would go days without talking to another grown up. For a while, I considered talking to my high school cheerleaders talking to grown ups. And my poor assistant cheer coach....I just talked her ear off whenever we were together. For months the only break I had from my kiddo was to take upwards of twenty some high school girls to cheer camp for 4 days. Because, I forgot to mention, that my husband was gone. He travels for work so he wasn't there for weeks at a time. So it was all on me. Every day. Sun up to sun down (Ha! If only. I was needed in the middle of the night too. For sickness, accidents and well just because sometimes she didn't want to sleep. Because sleeping to a toddler is the worst punishment you can bestow upon them.)

And I felt like a terrible person for not being blissfully happy. Because everyone told me I should be.

So I overcompensated by treating myself. I pureed fresh organic veggies for my baby's first meals and then let myself eat (an entire bag of) cheddar cheese popcorn for dinner with a glass of wine. While watching days of marathon television (Netflix is seriously dangerous in this situation. Every single episode of Gossip Girl. Ummm...yes please. And four days of my life just gone. I missed the Grey's Anatomy fuss because I was working all the time. So why not catch up with all eight seasons now. Back to back. Without commercials.) That was what I did.

Until I decided it wasn't working. I was miserable. Desperate. And I am sure this is where you expect me to put in where Beachbody entered my life and turned it all around.

Well it didn't.

Groupon happened.

But first a suprise from one of my favorite long distance people.

A christmas present from my super-far-away-and-I-miss-her-so-much friend came accompanied with a flash drive of pictures we had taken on a 3 day super fast see-as-much-as-you-can-see tour of Portland when we were out there that summer. And I saw a picture of me that I couldn't even handle. I wanted to burn it. Bury it. Hide it. But I could still see it in my head. (Hell, I can still see it in my head now.)

And then a groupon for a personal training experience entered my mailbox. It was something like $40 for a month - 5 days a week- for a small bootcamp type class with a couple of trainers who used the gymnastics/cheer gym down the road. But it was at 5:30 in the morning.

I knew John would be around for at least a month at that point and I needed to do something. So I left my sleeping family behind and truged out in the cold and snow. (Did I mention it was February? In Pittsburgh?) But I went. Every day. Sick, tired, sore, snowing, it didn't matter. I showed up. And I played. Two weeks in and I could keep up with some of the guys there. I pushed myself. And it felt amazing. But I didn't lose any weight (on the scale anyway. I had yet to learn about other methods of tracking success.) Despite being frustrated with the scale, WOW did it feel good to get up and bust my a$$ every morning.  I felt like I could do anything.

And this is where I got the guts to think I could do Insanity. I knew if I was going to change my body and my life I needed to do something crazy. Welcome to my life Shawn T.

And three weeks in I was there again. Angry. Frustrated. Wondering why the eff the scale was still not moving AT ALL.

I knew that Katy had recently become a Beachbody coach but she wasn't the only one I knew. I worked retail with quite a few people who had found success with Beachbody in many ways. But Katy and I taught on the same 7th grade team when I was subbing for a maternity leave. I missed having the connection to the school outside of cheer. And I didn't want to go digging back into my retail days. They were long behind me and I wanted to avoid that "history."

She put me in a challenge group and I had a focus again. Something to put all of my effort and energy into outside of my child. I knew I wanted this as a part of my life. I knew I didn't want to give it up. So I closed my eyes, let my stomach flip and signed up to coach. To pay it forward and help give others the push THEY need to change THEIR lives.

And wow did I make a good choice. I found a team of amazing people. I found success in my weight loss journey. I found friends who are supportive and energizing and help push me to make ME a better person. I found the want to reach out and support others the way I have been supported. I had a purpose and a drive again. I slowly began to crawl out of the hole.

I take an hour every day to get my sweat on and another hour to check in with all the people I am now motivating to change their lives. I spend a little more time working on personal development and leadership. And after my kiddo goes to bed I work on the other things. And yes, I make the conscious choice to take those hours away from playing with my daughter. But what I have gained has made me a better mother, a better wife and a better person. We go to the park and we play. The hours I am with her, I am WITH her (not pretending to play with her while watching hyperbolized medical dramas.) I have the support to get me moving when I need it and the encouragement to keep going.

I have been blessed in finding exactly what I needed (even if I didn't know what I needed yet and had to endure a lot of frustration to get there.) I have been blessed in joining an amazing family. I have been blessed in finding enough.

The Difference a Year Can Make (and yes this means I am putting my fat pic out there for the world to see)

This is one of those things I have been dreading since I started down the path to wellness. As part of my ownership of where I was and how far I have come, I feel that making my journey public has held me accountable to where I am going and not giving up. So I guess that means I have to share the terrible awful picture that made me get off my ass and do something (although I would rather burn it and delete off of hard drives than actually put it on the internet for the masses to see.) So here it goes....

I guess I could have blamed it on baby weight (and that was part of the problem) but I had always lived a super busy, crazy, never home, living out of my car kind of life. I worked non-stop, often at least two jobs or I was working and going to school full time. I didn't eat. And when I did it was take out, from the food court at the mall (I worked retail management for almost 7 years) or from the pretzel stand outside of our store. But I was always on my feet, so I didn't suffer from the ill effects of the way I was eating until later on. It wasn't until I was in a super stressful, crazy work situation that I started to gain weight. (Don't get me wrong, my weight has fluctuated my whole life, up and down like crazy, but in my 20's living a go-go-go-go life and consuming more calories in alcohol than actual food, I was hanging steady at a size 6/8 and wasn't thrilled but wasn't unhappy enough to change my lifestyle either.) I gained about 20 pounds and I couldn't get it to go away. I was working out like crazy with no results. So I quit. I figured why bust my ass when it isn't getting any smaller anyway.

A few years later I left my job to go back and get my masters (again another going to school full time with a full time internship--just my kind of crazy.) I got married and was still hanging onto the 20 pounds or so I gained a few years back and just couldn't get rid of. But at this point, I was too worried about going out and drinking microbrews and going to wine tastings than really focusing on what was going on. I also couldn't find a job with my new fancy masters degree, so I was nannying. Sitting on the floor (or couch) at someone else's house, playing with their kids and all that awesome kid junk food laying around (stuff my mom would never buy me growing up, ever.) And then I got pregnant. So add on the 38 pounds I gained with that and we arrive at that dreaded picture (I still don't want to acknowledge.)

That picture was taken on the Fourth of July 2012 which we spent in the Pacific Northwest. I had a dear friend of mine come out for the weekend so we were doing all sorts of fun touristy things (including taking lots of pictures). She sent me all the pictures she took of our time there a month or two later and I remember the gauntlet of feelings I had when I saw that picture. Disbelief, embarrassment, shame and then finally deciding I had to do something, anything. How had I gotten so out of control?

So I dusted off a copy of P90x that belonged to my hubby and stuck it out for about 3 weeks. I started
having pains in my abdomen that were terrible. I thought it was from the exercise and we had spent a weekend cleaning out my grandfather's house, so I was convinced I pulled something. The pain became spasms and then turned into full out attacks that were paralyzing and extremely painful. I went to the doctor and he immediately said it was my gall bladder. I was put on a no fat diet. I was pretty much eating oatmeal for every meal and the attacks just kept getting worse until at one point I had to call an ambulance. I was scheduled for surgery the next day. Through that whole mess I actually ended up losing about 12 pounds and went down a jean size. By the time all of this happened, it was November and cue the holidays. My weight loss (and smaller jean size) were short lived. By January, I was almost back to where I was in July.

Once the holidays were over, I knew I had to do something. I purchased a groupon for a morning bootcamp. 5 days a week at 5:30 in the morning. I thought maybe in doing something drastic, it would finally make a difference. I felt like no matter what I tried, or did, it didn't work. I spent a whole month busting my butt in this class. I was glad to see that I could hang (all that working out with Jillian Michaels paid off even if it wasn't consistent) but I didn't lose any weight. Not a pound. Not a half a pound.  Unfortunately, I hadn't learned about the other ways to measure progress (measurements, calipers, old jeans that didn't used to fit.) So I was angry, frustrated and quite frankly desperate.

Desperate enough that I logged on and ordered Insanity. I thought doing bootcamp workouts were going to be crazy and intense enough to finally work, so I my next logical thought was that if Insanity is supposed to be one of the hardest programs out there something HAS to happen. And it didn't.

I went for 3 weeks. I loved the intensity. I loved the fact that all I wanted to do was lay on the floor and not move when it was over. I loved that feeling of giving it all until I had nothing left to give. So if that was what I was doing, why was nothing happening?

So I emailed someone I used to work with who I knew was coaching. I signed up for a free account with her, joined a challenge group, added Shakeology and discovered clean eating. That in combination with the second half of Insanity resulted in a loss of 9 lbs, 9.5 inches overall including 2 inches off my waist. I was thrilled. (You can read more about my experience with Insanity here.) After Insanity I moved onto TurboFire and continued to see great results (a 5 pound weight loss in the first month!)


While I am no where near where I want to be, I thought it was important to reflect on how far I have come. I tend to just keep looking at where I want to go next, the next goal, the next program, the next size down and never look back. In doing this and consciously looking back, I have been able to see exactly what I have accomplished. Over the last few months, I have plateaued, switched programs due to an injury, adjusted to life back in Pittsburgh and the additional responsibilities I have here. But I have kept going, I keep pushing play, I keep cleaning up my eating and am finding new ways to motivate myself and others. I am running my own challenge groups now that allow people to pick goals, stick with them and stay motivated. They were a key piece in the puzzle for me and I am so glad to be able to possibly do this for someone else (and keep myself motivated at the same time).

If you are interested in joining me in a challenge group please send me a message or an email to scyobe@gmail.com I have new groups starting each month and I would love to continue on the journey with you! (To read about my October challenges click here.)

OMG where have you been my whole life! (and why Turbofire might be the best thing I discovered this summer.)

Have you ever had one of those moments? When you were all why the hell haven't I tried this yet? How have I lived 32 years without knowing this exists? I had that ahhah moment about a month ago with almond butter and this is just blowing that moment out of the water.

After some shipping kerfuffles, my Turbofire challenge pack finally arrived. And I thought I was happy
with the Insanity program when I started that. Hah! This is full of dancing and punching and energy and real music. Like Bobby Brown, Wild Cherry, Salt-n-Pepa and The Sugar Hill Gang. There is even some funkified Tina Turner and Kool and the Gang.

As my daughter would say, "what!" (and yes in a Lil' Jon fashion.)

I can't even handle the fact that the music not only rocks but it motivates me to keep going and keeps my energy way up. When I was struggling to get through all the Shawn T yelling at me and jumping stuff, it took everything in me to get geared up for just a few more suicide drills. Go, go, go! With this, I don't even have to think about it. The music starts to pick up and I am singing and jamming along and bam, workout is over and I am ready for more. (and not laying on the floor feeling like I died - although that does have a time and a place. Sometimes laying on the floor with nothing left feels awesome.)

For a girl who always tries to blast music and trick her brain into working out by pretending to choreograph in her head, this may be a perfect fit. I hope I am in love with this forever and ever. (I now think I understand what people mean when they talk about their soul mate workout!) Chalene Johnson is the trainer behind this program and she is just as upbeat as the music. She pushes you to keep going not by yelling at you like a drill sergeant but by telling you things like "You aren't tired!" and "You will believe whatever you tell yourself so tell yourself you can do this."

And any workout that encourages me to shake it as part of my exercise is already at the top of my awesome-sauce list.

So a little more about the program itself --

It is a 90 day program (which with the way I do things means it will probably turn into a 120 day program.)

There is a calendar that gives you exactly what to do every day for the 90 days.

It is cardio focused with kick boxing drills choreographed to pretty great music. Lots of punching, kicking, turning (using that core in a standing position) and using your legs (lunging and squatting) while you punch.

There are two strength building classes incorporated during month 2. For those you need a lower resistance band (included in the base kit) and a resistance band (or dumbbells - which I prefer. The resistance bands and I just do not get along.) I also picked up a pair of weighted gloves this month and added those to my workout. I can totally tell there is more definition from my shoulders from adding them. Yay!

It incorporates HIIT training (which means High Intensity Interval Training.) She asks you to go hard - as hard as you can - for a about a minute. These are spaced throughout the classes and there are classes built out of HIIT (and they are short - whoo hoo! Like 15 minutes short!) but mostly they are sprinkled throughout. There is some jumping but always a modifier so if you can't jump or are working up to that point, there is an option.)

Chalene always talks about how it is your class. And it is up to you to make it your class - whether that means working even harder to get all you can out of it or having to modify because you are coming off an injury or working toward getting stronger. I love this mentality and the thinking about my results being what I get out of these 30 or 45 or 55 minutes is totally up to me and what I make of it.

I am currently working through month 2 of this program and still love it. I am at a place where I am missing weight training (I think the 2 days of strength training on the schedule throughout month 2 have me itching for more) so I am looking forward to adding Chalene Extreme (a weight training based program) to TurboFire once I complete my 90 days.  And I am also excited to update this when I am finished to see if I am still so in love with this program (and of course my results!)



And the big news.... Throughout the entire month of August, Turbofire is discounted when bundled with Shakeology (you can read more about shakeo here.) But is is a super awesome deal (and I am really jealous it wasn't around when I ordered my copy!)

If you are interested in trying TurboFire or have any questions give me a shout. You can message me on Facebook or send me an email at scyobe@gmail.com

The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl (finding inspiration in another's journey)

 The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl isn't the type of book I typically try to review on here since it isn't so much about health and nutrition as it is about an individual's journey to health and weight loss. But there were things about it that I really related to since I am trying my damnedest to stay on the healthy bandwagon.

Here is the basic synopsis -- Girl weights 350 lbs and isn't happy. Decides to make a change and starts to blog about it. Girl starts to lose weight and gain confidence. Girl backslides but gets back on the wagon (Yay!) Girl gains more confidence and moves outside her comfort zone. She starts traveling and enjoying her life instead of hiding from it. Blog becomes way bigger than she ever thought would happen. Blog becomes a book.


So not a super original story but honest and funny. I really enjoyed reading about her adventures, successes and failures. Her failures, in a way, spoke to me the most. She didn't just regain 5 or 10 pounds but 60 pounds (I think....it was quite a bit anyway.) But for her to have the courage and the guts to go after relosing that much weight and continue to lose more spoke volumes to me. I want to throw in the towel if I gain 3 pounds back. I get frustrated and think about the time and effort (and sweat!) I put into losing those 3 (little bitty) pounds and I just want to sit on the couch and eat chocolate. It makes me feel like I will never get there. But reading about her doing it made me feel pathetic and silly, fretting about something like 3 pounds. Yes I have quite a ways to go, but no where near the amount she was aiming to lose. She gave me some inspiration and really made me focus on why I want to lose weight. Why I want to get healthy and in shape. Because the why is what's important. Without a why, getting back on track is so much harder and staying on track is almost impossible.


I think this was one of my favorite moments in the book --

"Weight loss isn't about willpower or motivation. It's just the cumulative effect of tiny actions over time. Putting down the chocoalte bars, putting on the running shoes. you have to keep picking yourself up when you fall, over and over again, for however long it takes."--The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl

Because how true is that! So many times I have reached for a "magic" pill or solution, wanting and praying for it to happen overnight. Or I would become obsessed and go crazy working out and eating healthy for a month and see no change on the scale and be so upset I would just quit. (I have learned my lesson on trusting and using the scale though, so there's that.) And it isn't a matter of if you fall, but when you will fall. Life happens and it is in the attitude toward it is what counts. Are you going to get back up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward? Or are you going to hide in the house, watch all six seasons of Gossip Girl on Netflix and eat snacks by yourself?

She also talks about her "magic" number a lot. That number everyone has in their head thad dictates how much we think we should weight. And really where does it come from? What we weighed in high school? What our best friend weighed in high school? And what is the expectation when we get there? I for one would like the heavens to open and the choir to sing and for everyone to approach me and tell me how awesome I look because I finally reached that number. In reality, I will probably receive compliments up until that point and no one will really notice the last 5-7 pounds. Plus I need to come to terms with the fact that I may not ever reach that number. And that is okay---right? I mean I definitely have more muscle than my prepubescent self so there is that. If I feel great and am living my life to the fullest, have energy and am setting a good example for my family, isn't that enough? Shouldn't it be enough? So why do we beat ourselves up and let it not be enough? Having a goal is important but maybe that goal should be less about a number and more about a feeling.


"You know what's funny about losing a stack of weight? Nothing really changes. All that happens is that you lose the thing upon which you used to hang all your neuroses. Fat has a shape and substance; you can poke it with a stick. It's a scapegoat and a handy excuse. Once you start to lose it, you realize you're stuck with the same moronic core." --The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl

I think one of the reasons I enjoyed this book so much is that is what Shauna ended up learning (*spoiler alert* -- even though this book is more about reading her journey the ups and downs rather than the actual ending.) Through it all it was her learning to love herself that mattered. This is what we should be striving for -- yes health is important and we should relish in what we learn our bodies can do, how much weight we can handle or how hard we can push them -- but in the end if we don't love ourselves we will find reasons other than our weight that makes us feel undeserving.

"You can't compare your aceievements to anyone else's All you can do is compare where you've been and where you are now, and what you chose to do in between." -The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl


I think the lessons I was reminded of when reading this book were really important, especially during a month where everything for me was turned on it's head. I needed to regroup and refocus and decide what I really wanted and recommit myself to that goal.

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For more information on Shauna and her journey you can find her at http://www.shaunareid.com/